Happy Christmas

It's early Christmas morning.  I'm having one of those mornings/nights where my nose won't cooperate with sleep.  It's an itch/sneeze that is constant.  It's tolerable while awake most of the time but there's no way I'm getting to sleep with it like this.  So, it's 3:28 AM.  I've been up for a couple of hours already.  I'll probably just get back into a nice deep sleep when I'll hear "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!"...ad nauseum over the baby monitor. 

Simon's become quite the climber.  He's started climbing up on his crib.  Well, yesterday while he was "napping" he came out of his room and wandered into our room to find Daddy wrapping presents and announced he wasn't tired.  So, Daddy had a new project for the day, one that's been on the list for a week or so anyway.  He trod off to his parents' house to get the toddler bed side.  Simon absolutely loves his "new bed".

 He actually took a nap in it this afternoon before we went over to Grandma's house for dinner.  Once we got there I shuffled him outside with cousins as fast as I could.  

As per usual, he wouldn't eat.  We left in a hurry.  Got him home, in the bath where he watched some of The Grinch, and off to bed.  Then Santa came.  He's gonna lose his mind when he wakes up.

Simon is going to this.

Last year his Gabba pals came to town.  We were kind of torn about him going because it was right at the end of his chemo.  We knew we couldn't expose him to all that, but still... it would be really awesome if he could have gone.  Then his chemo was delayed a week and he ended up being in the hospital getting his last round of chemo when they were here.

Not this time.  I just got him tickets to go to this show.  And not just any tickets.  THESE tickets.  The Party Package. 

Gabba Party Packages!

• One (1) AWESOME Ticket in the first 15 Rows.
• One (1) pass to "Get the Sillies Out" in the private VIP room featuring a super fun party with the Gabba Gang (costumed characters)! Includes music, dancing, healthy snacks and refreshments.
• Hassle-Free Merchandise Shopping. Merchandise table located in the VIP Room.
• Photo Opportunity. This time around our Gabba Friends will be available for individual pictures instead of everyone waiting for one shot with the entire gang. More photos, less waiting, more fun!!!!!
• On Site Yo Gabba Gabba! VIP host and Party Patrol to make sure your experience is... AWESOME!!

And, I got it for the 3:00 show, not the 6:00.  Man, that 6:00 woulda been rough.

He's earned it, and then some.  Merry Christmas, my boy.

Words...

cannot express how much I love this boy.

An Internal Battle

This so makes me cry all the tears.  I can just see Simon and Froggy doing their worst to the mean cancer.

If you can't read what the doctor is saying, it's "Good news, it seems the treatment is starting to work."

Faces

Simon has just now started drawing stuff I can recognize.  The picture on the right is Hulk from yesterday.  I can't so much tell it's Hulk, but I can tell both of them are faces.  The one on the right is from tonight.  He's starting to do awesome things.  He's growing up.  I need to do a better job of teaching him things, though.  But he does know one letter, B.  That only leaves 25 more to go. 

Grateful

Ro & Maya

I've been reading a blog written by a mom who lost her 3-year-old to cancer last year.   I've been up reading it in the middle of the night when my sinuses won't let me sleep.  It, like other things, is making me very grateful for what we didn't have to endure.  I feel for all the other parents who end up in the ER with their child for something innocent enough, only to be thrust into the whirlwind of scans and doctors and being told you're not going home today.  It really is dizzying.  But after those first few days of wrapping our heads around what was going on and what we needed to do, it really was so simple.  Sure, the nights where Simon was angry and had a hard time sleeping wore mighty thin.  I threw myself a great pity party.  I had no idea. 

We never spent more than a week in the hospital, not after that first stint.  I think the greatest blessing we had I never had a clue was a blessing.  We never had to share a room.  TCH has only private rooms, at least on the floors we were on.  From what I'm seeing now that is not the norm.  I can't imagine having to go through that hell and not have my own private space.  And the stories of sharing rooms with mere babies and even older children being left in the rooms with only nurses to look after them for many hours or even days is too much.  We never had to worry about what the right course of treatment was for Simon.  We didn't have to travel across the country or even across the state.  We drove a half hour into the Med Center.  And so far we haven't had to sit across from a doctor who is avoiding our eyes with tears in their eyes as they tell us what no parent wants to hear. 

Maybe I should have questioned more.  Maybe, but I don't think so.  I hope not.  But I also hope we never lose our appreciation for everything about Simon and his bravery and that we're lucky things didn't end up different. 

Raising Money

I've started a fundraising campaign for CureSearch which is a childhood cancer non-profit.  I'd like to make a better future for kids with cancer.  We can do much better for these sweet souls.  Here is a link to more information.

September

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  I've thought about it more this year than last.  I guess last year I was too busy living it.  What's really brought it home for me this year is reading the daily postings of two mothers with pre-schoolers who lost their battle.  Each one is posting a bit each day throughout the month.  I tend to read about Aidan in the morning and Donna in the evening.  It hits home that not all kids are as lucky as my dear Simon.  I've delighted in their little spirits and my heart has broken with their mothers'.  One mother had to sign a DNR for her son.  The other died a little each time her daughter told her what she'd be doing when she turned 8 or 9, her mother knowing she wouldn't live to see 5.  I've actually been dreading the end of the month for I know what I shall read.  My heart has been heavy today because of what I've read.  I've cried buckets of tears.  I fear I shall also tomorrow.

Why do I do this to myself?  I really thought about that yesterday and today.  I do it to honor the children.  I do it to remind myself that our family is very lucky.  I do it because if we weren't I'd be mad as hell and would be doing just what those mommies are doing.  I'd want everyone to know about Simon to raise awareness.  I'd want to make sure he didn't die in vain.  I'd want everyone to read about him. 

I'm really feeling the need to do something for the hospital or families dealing with this now.  There is one organization that lets you adopt a family for Christmas.  I think I'd like to do that.  I want to do something beautiful in Simon's name.  In a bout of insomnia the other night I happened upon two other moms with kids who have/had clear cell also.  One is going through treatment now.  It takes me back to a year ago.  And speaking of which, here is where we were a year ago.  He doesn't even look like the same boy.  I'm so proud of how far he's come.  He had scans last week (bone and CT) and all came out clear.  I'm so happy. 

Friend

We have a new woman watching Simon now.  She's a lady from church with 5 or so kids of her own.  One is a 3 year old boy.  He just started going there yesterday, but by all accounts it's going swimmingly.  Word on the street is he's been behaving himself and even got a nap today.  Her elementary school daughters came home and loved doting on him.  He didn't even care when Daddy left him there.

This morning after I left I'm told he grabbed his bag and went to the front door.  He kept saying "I friend!"  He was so anxious to go see his friend.  He's been so isolated for so long he hasn't really been around kids except his cousins.  It's so awesome and sweet to know he now has a friend.  It kinda makes me verklempt.  Apparently today when he went over there his pal came to the door and the two of them took off to go play.  It's something so small but it still makes me so proud of him.

L for Love

The picture above is from Dodgeball.  Blaine and I saw this on our honeymoon and it was awesome.  It was us in movie form.  It was nonsense.  It had a filmstrip.  It had a water-skiing squirrel.  It had everyone in it ever.  It had ESPN 8 - The Ocho!  In this picture the wife is making the loser sign and her husband takes it to mean "L for love."  Blaine and I picked it up and do it all the time, especially when saying goodbye.

Lately Simon has taken to doing it too.  He hasn't quite got it down yet.  He kind of points to the top of his head with his fingers all spread out.  But it's the cutest thing ever.  He can't yet say "I love you" but he can do this.  Sadly, someday he's going to grow up and realize how odd his parents are.  Someday he'll probably figure out that it means something else to the rest of the world.

You Are My Sunshine

The husband is working late tonight so I got to tend to Simon all on my own.  I had to work late (yes, really!) and got home a little before 8:00.  Simon had been asleep for about an hour and hadn't really had a proper dinner.  I debated if I should wake him up or let him sleep.  The clincher was that the kid wets through a diaper quicker than I can say piddle so I figured I better at least change his diaper.  When I woke him up I asked if he was hungry.  He said yes, so I changed his diaper and got him up.  I decided to make him a waffle and some eggs.  Man, he tore through the egg so I made him another.  He picked at the waffle.

As an aside, we've been wanting to get a stereo for the living room but haven't gotten around to it yet.  I finally set up the Pandora on the Roku so we have some music now.  Simon is LOVING it.  He dances his little heart out.

We had music on while he ate.  I let him sit on my lap.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  I kept the lights down and kept kissing his head.  I love the smell of his hair.  He held froggy while he ate.  It won't be so much longer before he's too big to sit on my lap, but I can still cuddle him.  I got him in for a quick bath.  He hated every second of it, but it really does help him sleep better.  Then we cuddled on the couch listening to the lullaby station and he fell asleep in my lap as we listened to "To Make You Feel My Love".

We heard "You Are My Sunshine" once or twice which made me think of when he was born.  Eons ago there was this show called "Murphy Brown" that I liked.  She sang that song to her newborn son in the hospital and for some reason it always stuck with me.  When we were waiting to be sprung from the hospital with Simon, Daddy was asleep in the bed and I held Simon in the chair and sang that to him. 

It was such a lovely evening which I needed after a stressful day at work.  To have a quiet evening with Simon is such a treat.

6 Months Later

Simon passed the 6 months clean from chemo mark a few days ago.  I forget just how bald he was.  He never looked terribly sickly to me.  He just looked like Simon.  But looking back it must have been pretty obvious he was a sick little boy because I look at pictures and they don't even look like they're of the same kid.  You did it, son.  You showed cancer who's boss.  And someday you'll show the world you're the boss.  You make your mom proud.

He loved looking at the baby on the thermometer.

The Victor.  Just finished with chemo.

Yakkity Sax

Simon more or less quit growing for the 6 months he was on chemo.  He's starting to catch up a bit but it's still a challenge to find pants that will not fall down.  I think I figured out part of the problem.  The boy does not stop moving.  His latest obsession is falling and tries to climb up stuff to fall off.  He runs back and forth down the hallway of our little apartment constantly also.  I am completely convinced his life would best be viewed at 2x speed set to Yakkity Sax.  Heck, I'm not even sure you need to speed it up all that much.  It is great to see him have energy. 

An Afternoon at the Museum

My parents got us a membership to the Children's Museum of Houston for Simon's birthday.  Today I was bound and determined to get him there.  He slept until 2:30 and it was about 4:00 when we got there which left us 2 hours of merriment.  We had the grandest time.  We started out in the baby/toddler area.  He looks so big with the other kids there and definitely took a shine to the little ball pit.  Then we explored some other areas we hadn't been to before that show how things work and whatnot.  He had great fun there as well.  But the bad thing is he's really kind of in between the really little kids and the big kids.  He has none attention span for me to show him what he's supposed to do at the exhibits but spent a great deal of time pretending to talk to Daddy on one of their many phones.  But he didn't really seem to care.  He ran from one thing to the next before zipping on to something else. 

We took a break and had snacks and then went out to the outdoor part that has all these water activities you can do.  He especially loved it because it started to rain, and aside from falling, rain is his other big love right now.  He and I were the only ones out there for a while as other parents had the good sense to come in.  But I didn't much care.  Our lives are pretty well back to "normal", whatever that is but sometimes I think back to what he's been through and just say the heck with it.  If he wants to be out in the rain, he's gonna be out in the rain.

We went back in and walked through their little city shops area and into the vet.  There were stuffed dogs and cats all over.  One spot had an x-ray on the wall of a dog's abdomen.  I've seen lots of pictures like that before, but of a little boy so I kind of took notice. Then I saw there was an arrow pointing to a "mass" in the belly of the dog.  It looked so familiar.  I just stood there and looked at it for a while.  I held Simon a little closer.  We went into the grocery store where he picked out apples and put them back and we got a balloon before heading home.

It was a good day.  He had all the fun and was pretty good.  Now he's fighting sleep by playing in his crib.  Simon, you played so hard.  You've earned a good night's sleep. 

Fall!

Simon's new favorite word is fall.  It's a random bit from one of his books that for some reason he's taken a shine to.  Last Sunday we watched America's Funniest Home Videos which only seemed to cement his love of the word.  He loves to point out when he falls or when other people fall.  It's adorable.  He also practices falling, jumping off whatever low-ish object he can find.  That's my boy.

Stories to Tell Simon's Prom Date Volume I

Actual text message the husband sent yesterday while I was at work.

I go in to check on a napping Simon, and see this:  The neck of his shirt pulled down to his waist.  His pants pulled down to his knees.  His diaper removed and on the floor.  His sheets soaking wet.  Simon soaking wet.  And fast asleep.

That boy loves nothing more than to take off his diaper while he's "napping".

Sunday Fun Gangsta Style

I taught my son how to hold a gun tonight.  A little part of me died when I did it.  He was very good at church today except for one episode so for a treat I took him outside after dinner.  We brought sidewalk chalk and squirt guns.  I put him in his swing and gave him a squirt gun showing him how to hold it and squeeze the trigger.  The whole time I was hoping he wouldn't think of the squirt gun as a gun.  He swang and we squirted each other.  He had some interesting grips on the thing and eventually ended up pointing it backwards so he could squirt himself.  We laughed and had a blast but my mind did wander once or twice to when he's a little bit older and if he should encounter a real gun.  How soon do I teach him about the dangers of guns?  How do I help him see the difference between a pistol and a squirt gun?  For now I'll just enjoy this innocent time when we can go outside and be silly and have fun.

He's Two!

I'm not much of a party planner or thrower.  But after the year he's been through, Simon deserves a party, dangit.  I thought I'd keep it simple, a little pot luck picnic thing at the park.  I'd order sandwiches and got squirt guns, bubbles, and Frisbees.  Of course we got a late start.  Our morning consisted of Skyping with Grandma and Grandpa, eating cinnamon rolls while watching cartoons, and opening a present whenever he got really cranky. 

I went to pick up sandwiches but they were at a different HEB down the road.  It wasn't so horribly far, but at noon on a Saturday the traffic was pretty bad.  Blaine went to pick them up and got back just in time to see Simon dive into this pond thing at the park.  I was right behind Simon chasing after him but was pretty worn out from the heat and the hills and several trips to the car.  I screamed for help and fished him out but we were both pretty shaken up.  Between the sandwiches and party goods getting there late and us recovering from the incident, things dragged on a bit too long and he was cranky and ready for a nap.  The squirt guns didn't work.  I guess no one was interested in bubbles or Frisbees.  I ate a few bites of food while catching up with my sisters-in-law, helped him eat cake, opened presents and got him the heck home.  For supper we had KFC and he was beyond ready for bed again so no dessert. 

I love my boy dearly, but I reckon next year we'll keep it even more simple.  Here's hoping this year goes better and next May we can avoid the BWD.

Rain

Simon woke up wet calling for mama at 1:00 this morning as he is wont to do.  While daddy was changing his bed we went out to the dining room, opened the blinds, and looked at the rain.  There was even thunder and lighting.  Rain is sort of a rare occurrence and a thunderstorm even more so.  I got to explain the thunder and lighting to him.  We've already talked about how the rain gives the trees and grass a nice drink.  I love a thunderstorm an awful lot so it was a sweet thing to be able to stand in the dark holding my boy experiencing it.  Thanks for waking us up, Simon.

2

Two years ago I checked into the hospital.  Two years ago I had no idea what lay in store for me.  Two years ago I was knocked out by some pretty amazing drugs.  Two years ago I would have paid real money to get that kid's foot out of my ribcage!!!!!!!

One year ago my parents were about to come up to celebrate a first birthday.  I'm so glad we had that day of no worries so we could enjoy it.  We had no idea what was about to transpire.

This year we celebrate all that we have survived.  And we have survived.

Me*  (*artist's rendering)

So he's 2.

So, Simon is almost 2.  He's acting every bit of it.  He's starting to be a real handful.  He seems to fight us at every turn and kicks, bites, and I even think he hit another little girl the other day.  And you should see the fight he puts up over medicine.  I don't know what to do.   We don’t spank because I believe you can’t teach a kid to not hit by hitting them.  I try to comfort him when he starts to get upset.  I don’t yell (for the most part).  I try to distract him with other things.  His big punishment is time out which doesn’t go very well.

I’m starting to really feel like a parent now.  I second guess everything I do.  I know we were lax when he was in the hospital.  He could more or less watch whatever he wanted and eat whatever he’d swallow.  I try not to let him watch too much tv and give in to him all the time.  But it’s a hard habit to break.  I wonder if he’s in pain from teething.  I wonder if he’s turning into a bully.  I wonder if I’m too soft.  Whether or not I am, I’m not going to start spanking.  I wonder if he’s just a normal 2 year old kid.  I’ve been in tears several times this week because I feel like I’m failing him.  I can’t comfort him. 

Being a mommy is hard.  I pray I’m doing a good job.

Potty

 

Simon used the potty tonight.  We had a fun afternoon/evening at Barnes & Noble and then Cheddars.  We indulged him in a cookie monster which he thought was pretty tasty.  He had lots of water which, if you know Simon, is par for the course.  The kid can drink.  And pee.  He pees through his diapers pretty regularly, especially when he's napping or sleeping.  So we brought him home after dinner and Daddy got the bath ready.  While we were waiting I got Simon's full diaper off and asked him if he'd want to sit on the potty.  Sure enough he did.  And he peed right away.  He peed a lot.  He almost filled up his potty.  We were both so proud of him.  Daddy didn't quite believe Simon filled the potty up as much as he did. 

No More Oatmeal Kisses

If this is me someday, please forgive me.

This made me cry like a little girl before I was a mom.  Now it's worse.  Not sure why I thought of it this morning, but I have to share. 

A young mother writes: “I know you’ve written before about the empty-nest syndrome, that lonely period after the children are grown and gone. Right now I’m up to my eyeballs in laundry and muddy boots. The baby is teething; the boys are fighting. My husband just called and said to eat without him, and I fell off my diet. Lay it on me again, will you?”

OK. One of these days, you’ll shout, “Why don’t you kids grow up and act your age!” And they will. Or, “You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do . . . and don’t slam the door!” And they won’t.

You’ll straighten up the boys’ bedroom neat and tidy: bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you’ll say out loud, “Now I want it to stay this way.” And it will.

You’ll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn’t been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you’ll say, “Now, there’s a meal for company.” And you’ll eat it alone.

You’ll say, “I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence! Do you hear?” And you’ll have it.

No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps. No more clothespins under the sofa. No more playpens to arrange a room around.

No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more sand on the sheets or Popeye movies in the bathroom. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.

Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter for New Year’s Eve. Washing only once a week. Seeing a steak that isn’t ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.
No PTA meetings. No car pools. No blaring radios. No one washing her hair at 11 o’clock at night. Having your own roll of Scotch tape.

Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to heal, no responsibility.

Only a voice crying, “Why don’t you grow up?” and the silence echoing, “I did.”

Growing Up

Tonight was one of those nights where it's hit me that my boy is growing up.  When I come home from work it's usually a flurry of activity to get everyone fed (if they haven't already eaten), in the bath, and to bed.  The quiet time has been giving him his bottle which has been replaced with two or three minutes of rocking in recent weeks and months.  It's usually a time that is just him and me and I get quiet cuddles.  I get to whisper things that I wish for him with a fervent prayer in my heart that he can somehow grasp what I'm telling him.

Tonight, almost before we even sat in the rocking chair, he was motioning for his bed and boldly telling me "bye!"  I kept him on my lap by saying a prayer with him.  (If there's one thing the kid loves it's prayers.  He's always asking for "mo" prayers.  We blessed the food three times at dinner tonight.)  I squeezed him tight and choked back the tears as I laid him down in his bed.  I know he's still so little, but there are times when I feel my cuddly baby slip away a little bit.  Can I tell you a secret?  It kind of breaks my heart a little bit.

New York Times

The NYT ran a thing called Picture Your Life After Cancer a couple of years ago where you could submit a photo and describe your life after cancer.  Apparently they're still taking submissions because I sent them Simon's picture.  You can see it here.  I'm proud of my boy.  And that has to be one of my favorite pictures of him.

I still love him anyway.

Tonight Simon did the nearly unforgivable.  He was in the bath looking at his Sesame Street bath book and pointed at Elmo and said, "Mmmmmo!"  Then he pointed at another picture of Elmo and said the same thing.  He did it probably 4 or 5 times.  Both the husband and I both take this stance with the Big E:

Seriously, Grover is where it's at, but he's never said Grover or really attempted to that I know of.  Come on, he's SUPER Grover.  We would prefer it if Simon never knew who that guy up there is.  I guess you can't shelter them forever.  Hopefully one day he'll see the light and stand firmly with Team Grover.

Tangled!

My boy LOVES him some Tangled.  I think he's watched at least part of it every day this week and can't get enough of it.  He may fidget or wander around when it's on, but he's always watching it.  And he makes the best faces in reaction to it.  I've only ever really watched the first 15 minutes or so.  There are some obvious things that can relate to him but I'm not sure he really gets or cares about that yet.  He's just really gotten his hair back.  It's still quite short but it could pass for a buzz cut.  His eyelashes and eyebrows are all back pretty full.  He no longer looks like an obvious cancer patient.  He definitely notices it coming back.  He'll rub his head and try to brush his hair.  So, someone with super long hair is kind of appropriate right now.  Also appropriate is how Rapunzel is held up in the tower and then finally gets free.  She runs around the hills and meadows and around a tree.  I can think of someone else who's recently gotten free.  Last Saturday we watched it and I got some pictures because he was actually still.  Enjoy.

Children's Museum

Simon and Mommy had an outing to the museum today.  I feel like I haven't been around much so I wanted to treat him. We went to the toddler area and he had a blast.  He went down the slide over and over.  The poor other kids had to fight him for the one real ball.  I tried to hid it a few times because he kept trying to go up and down stairs while holding it.  He kept finding it, though.  He played in the cars, ball pits, with the lite brite, and whatnot.  But mostly he loved the slide and the ball and whatever someone else had. 

We went outside on the deck where they have a bunch of cars and tikes to ride.  He tried most of them out but still really only has reverse.  Still, it was nice to not have to mess with the IV.  Then we went out to the water play area.  He's still about half a foot too short to really be able to do everything but had great fun running and splashing in every bit of water he could find.  We saw some baby chicks in the shed and he played in the sand getting it everywhere.

Then it was time for lunch.  We split a small cheese pizza.  For some reason they have no high chairs so I had to fight to keep him from running off.  When we were leaving we discovered it's Chinese New Year because they had music and dragons.  He thought they were very cool until they got up close to him.

Night Terrors

It would appear that Simon has night terrors.  I can't remember the first time he had one but it must have been over the summer.  He had maybe one a month until the past two months.  They're absolutely no fun.  In case you've never experienced one, this is kind of how they go, at least for Simon.  Sometime around 9 or 10 he'll wake up crying.  It's hard to tell if he's having one until I go pick him up.  I can't really distinguish these cries from regular crying.  I pick him up and he's rigid and won't calm down at all.  I try to shush him and he screams even worse by then.  So then I bring him out to the living room in the light and can see his eyes are slightly open but he's not focused on anything and doesn't really seem to be awake.  He'll writhe and twist on my lap while I try to reassure him that mama's here and everything is okay.  What we have found works best to get him to come to is turning on Yo Gabba Gabba. Eventually he'll quiet down and then fall back asleep. 

It seems to happen when he's overtired.  With our schedules he doesn't get to nap properly the days we both go to work and it's far enough from my brother and sister-in-law's house that he falls asleep semi-frequently on the way home.  That seems to make it worse.  We get home late so it's pretty much wake him up out of the car seat and fight with a screaming boy to get him in his jammies and maybe a bottle before putting him to bed.  So now we do what we can to keep him awake on the ride home.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the trauma of what he went through last year.  I'm sure that doesn't help.  I sure hope he outgrows this soon.  It's hard on everyone and even though they say kids don't remember them, it sure looks like it's hell for him.

Eyelashes

My boy has eyelashes.  Real eyelashes.  And eyebrows.  And hair.  Hair you don't have to zoom in to see.  It's still pretty sparse and short, but it's there.  He's looking less and less like a cancer patient.  It's kind of hard to remember the life we lived for so many months.   I tried the other day to get pictures of him but they don't do it justice.  Still, they're pictures of my handsome boy.  And by the way, he's been transitioned out of his high chair to a booster seat.  Now, if only we could get him off the baba.  Unfortunately he will not drink milk from any sort of cup, just from a bottle.  Have I mentioned he's odd?  But I seriously love his personality.  We make faces at each other and he couldn't be more adorable and eager to play along.  He has such a passion for life.  I think I'm the proudest mama ever.

Yeah, he's odd.

Playing

Sunday we all got together at my in-laws house.  Simon loves to run around their back yard.  Yesterday he got to do it with all his cousins.  It was really emotional for me to watch.  It always does my heart good to see him running around outside.  He really loves doing that.  But watching him do it with his cousins was a whole new experience.  He seems so big to me, but seeing him with them he looked so small.  He tried so hard to keep up with them but just couldn't and didn't seem to mind a bit.  It didn't matter how many times he fell down, he kept getting right back up again to join in the fun.  He's been fairly secluded from people and other kids that just being in their midst was serious joy.  One of the older kids would slow down and help him along from time to time which really warmed my heart.  And when the biggest cousin picked Simon up so he could look over the fence to see the DOG! on the other side, that was really freaking awesome. 

I was also emotional because I spent a great deal of time watching him from in the house.  It was the first time he really seemed to be "on his own" at all.  I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I got a little preview of what it will be like to send him off to school where he won't have his mommy right next to him.  I really hope then that he'll just be one of the fellas.  He looked so vulnerable, just like he'll be in kindergarten.  The kids better be nice to him.  I can't think of a reason why they wouldn't, but kids don't need a reason.  I never fit in at school.  I know what that pain can be.  But as bad as it was, I think it would be a hundred times worse to see it happen to Simon.

Part of why I was so emotional may also have been because he went to Nursery for the first time yesterday.  We walked in and the kids were all at a table playing with playdough.  I helped him to a seat and kneeled next to him as I tried to explain that if another kid is using a thing he can't just take it.  I got a tub of dough for him and helped him try to share and play.  We didn't stay but 10 minutes, but watching him sit there with his new pals just made him feel so big.  Someday excruciatingly soon his world is going to be bigger than Mommy and Daddy and I wouldn't want for anything else, but it all seems so fast.  His world has been so small for so long it's a real shell-shock for me.

I wish I could have gotten some pictures of him playing outside yesterday.  I was too busy just soaking it all up.  I did get one not great picture on my phone.  But I know I'll never forget how he looked just running trying to be one of the fellas.