I take back what I said.

I'm doing my best to not feel like a bad mommy.  Two things I've been doing lately have been bothering me.  Tonight I did them both.  The first thing is I bought him a freaking laptop.  A toy one, of course, but it's still a computer in the loosest sense.  Before I had Simon, and even after up until this past month, I really had an aversion to battery-operated toys.  He had a few but they weren't the kinds with flashing lights and songs and that horrible VTech voice.  If you have little ones you probably know the voice.  They also have these God-awful motion sensor displays in the store that say WELCOME! before going into their song and dance every time you pass them. 

The reason for the laptop is twofold.  First, he loves "computing".  He tries to use ours every time we have it out.  That alone is not nearly enough reason to get him his own.  But I was handling reason number 2 and it just made it so easy.  That reason is we really need some hospital only toys to keep his interest.  Because we're going back tomorrow for a week I was taking one last look around.  He can't get on the floor.  He's more or less confined to the crib there so I need something reasonably small and something he won't get bored with.  Everything seems like it either is too big, too juvenile, has too many parts, is pretty much the same thing we already have, or just doesn't look that exciting.

The second thing I do that really bothers me is I let him watch more TV than I'd like.  Nights like tonight I'm so exhausted by the time we sit down to eat, and so is he, that I just need something to keep him happy.  It's pretty much always Yo Gabba Gabba.  He freaking loves that show.  Sometimes I really need him to focus on something instead of getting into everything when I'm trying to get dinner or laundry or dishes.  So I turn on the Gabba.  Sometimes I tell myself it's really not so bad, that at least it's a DVD or Netflix so he's not seeing all those horrible kids commercials.  But it's still not good. 

The last month has really taken a toll on my resilience.  I'm managing okay, but I really feel like I'm letting Simon down.  And I feel like I'm letting myself down.  Yes, I'm doing a lot for him right now, but that doesn't totally excuse me not living up to the standards I set for myself and my son.

The Ravages of Cancer

My boy went from looking like this on Tuesday:

to looking like this on Wednesday:

But he's still the handsomest boy I know.  Tonight after his bottle I cuddled with him on the couch.  It was all kinds of awesome.  I so did not want to put him in bed.  I have a hard time believing he's the same boy I birthed a little over a year ago.

CarePages

I've started a CarePage for Simon and am doing updates there.  You can find it at

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/TeamSimon.  I don't have the time to do both that and this blog so for the time being that's where I'll be writing.