Perspective

Simon watching Yo Gabba Gabba and making his funny face while he got his last chemo.  The onsie is from his Grandma who is a breast cancer survivor and I thought it appropriate for the occasion.

Simon is all done with chemo.  This week he has some scans to check if the cancer has spread.  They don't expect to find anything but we have to be sure.  I've been so sick of this process I've given up updating the Care Page I set up.  The last four rounds of chemo were all followed by fevers.  So much hospital.  Mom and dad were here for a few weeks which was a help.  But still, I'm sick to death of asinine decisions like last time he was in the hospital.  He woke up with a fever and I just wanted to get him to the hospital so I didn't give him his GCSF shot which he gets every morning.  I figured he could get it there.  Big mistake.  At 9:00 AM I told the triage nurse (the first nurse we saw) that he gets the shot in the morning but we hadn't given it to him yet.  I asked for it a few times.  It never happened.  I was so flustered with Blaine trying to keep Simon content while being hooked up to his IV that I just gave up and figured they didn't think it was a big deal.  He wasn't going to get it.  Whatever.  Then the night nurse came on and said they scheduled it for 10:00 PM!!!11!!!1!  I was furious.  Who "schedules" a shot for a one-year-old that late!  We'd have to wake him up.  I'm sure it didn't sound like much to the nurses and whoever it was that made that decision.  But when you've seen your baby go through as many pokes and stress as Simon you just want to make things as easy as possible and not induce any more trauma.  I went a bit Mama Bear on them but Blaine went full on Papa Bear.  It's things like that that really have me sick to death of this whole process and without much grace, unfortunately.

So finally they called yesterday to schedule his tests.  They have his bone scan set for today.  He can eat until 6:30 this morning so we may well have to wake him to eat.  His scan isn't until 1:00.  I pleaded for an earlier time.  That's all they had.  I went full on Mama Bear myself.  I was screaming and crying.  They don't do any sedations until 1:00 they said.  So you're saying he basically can't eat all day I said.  I told them this is insane several times.  He's one year old.  He doesn't do well if he can't eat.  He doesn't understand why mom and dad aren't giving him his baba.  Distract him with toys she said.  I felt completely patronized, like I'm to stupid to have figured that out myself.  I've been through this before.  I know my son.  I know he won't do well.  I know I can do what I can but it won't be much help.  Even writing this now I'm enraged.  I feel so powerless, so not in control.  That's one thing I can't stand, to not be in control.

This morning I woke up around midnight to Simon crying.  He sleeps like a champ now but every now and then he'll wake up crying for 2 or 3 minutes and then go back to sleep.  This was one of those times.  I felt kind of out of sorts so I grabbed some grapes and headed for the computer.  For some reason I went and read this blog I've been following.  It's about a 8-month-old that was diagnosed with a brain tumor this summer and died a few weeks later.   It's absolutely heartbreaking.  I don't know why but I started reading it from the beginning.  They found out their son had a tumor, had successful surgery and things were looking up, then find out it had grown back in two weeks and they brought him home to spend his last days.  He never had a chance. 

It was strange because I kept thinking, "I remember that" and "I remember when Simon was going through chemo" like this was all some distant memory.  In a way it sort of feels like that.  He had his last chemo and his last fever.  We all knew he'd have a last fever.  Going home after the last chemo didn't even feel all that great to me as I knew we'd be back before long.  I did get choked up when our sweet nurse helped us to the elevator and then down to the car after his fever knowing I'd likely never be back on that floor again.  Things have gone back to semi-normal.  I worked a fairly normal schedule last week and we just had one early routine doctor appointment.

Reading that blog made me feel silly, in a way, for getting so upset over late shots and late scans.  My boy is done with his treatment (God willing).  Doctors are confident he's been cured, pending scans notwithstanding.  His hair is coming in and it's pretty much white at this point.  We're getting excited to take him back to church on Christmas morning.  Things could have been so much, much worse.  I need to remember that.  Yes, I need to advocate for Simon as he has no voice and The System isn't perfect.  But I need to also remember that 6 months from now, 6 years from now, none of what I'm getting so upset about will matter anymore.  I will have my dear beloved son who's being a big terror, no doubt, just as he should be.

20 Words

Simon's oncologist was asking the other day if Simon says 20 words. He loves to babble but doesn't say a ton of words.  I tried to count them earlier today and got up to about 15.  This is really more for posterity than to really see if he knows 20 words.  I'm sure I'm forgetting some.  Do animal sounds count?

1. Baba
2. Mama
3. Dada
4. Bye
5. Dog
6. Bear
7. Cat
8. Book
9. Diaper
10. Baby
11. Ball
12. Bubble
13. Shoes
14. Cup

Smack

So we're back in the hospital for Simon's last chemo.  This evening he was getting tired and cranky which means he plays with his IV.  This time he had one tube in each hand yanking on it like Pa Ingalls working the team with the plow.  Then he chews on it.  then he grabs the bag and just yanks.  I was trying to get everything ready for him to go to bed and a bit frustrated because he won't leave the thing alone.  I very lightly smacked his hand because telling him no 300 times did no good.  I don't believe in physical punishment at all but there's not a lot I can do.  All his toys had been flung out of the crib.  I can't distract him when he gets like that.  I can't take the IV away.  I didn't know what else to do.  Just after I did that he took a swipe at me.  How can I tell him not to hit if I'm going to not practice what I preach?  It really hit home that physical punishment is really not for me.

Tonight when I gave him his bottle he was all curled up on my lap like when he was all new except he was almost folded in half to fit there.  I studied the shape of his lips and it reminded me of when I first really saw him.  For some reason that was something I focused on then also.

One more

My Dear Simon,

Tomorrow we go for your last round of chemo.  The thought brings tears to my eyes.  It's odd, really, because it's not so much for the reason you'd think.  In a way I feel kind of like you're graduating kindergarten or some such milestone.  Like this is just another sign of you growing up.  Like this is something every kid does.  Don't get me wrong.  I am ready for this to be over.  But at the same time it's been an amazing journey.  You've grown up a lot.  You've gotten several teeth and learned to walk.  And you've amazed me and everyone who's seen you through this.  Dr. Thompson always remarks what an exceptional guy you are.  I believe the word he uses is phenomenal.  Through everything you haven't lost your spirit.  I was so afraid of that in the beginning.  I didn't want you to become afraid of people or turn inward.  Granted, you start crying at the sight of the nurse sometimes and I don't dare let you see the mask.  But you are still the same boy I've grown to love so much.

Through this all, I've repeatedly said that I wish you could understand what's going on.  Tonight I wish you could understand that this is a big time for you and it will all be over so soon.  But here is my real wish for you.  I pray that you forget all the hurt and scared and sick.  I pray that you remember all the love and smiles and waves from nurses.  I pray that you always remember that you beat cancer and you did it so well. 

Tonight at the mall we happened upon some Brobee shoes and I couldn't help but buy them for you.  I justified it to myself (and will with Daddy later tonight) by saying it's your treat for being done with chemo.  I wish I could get you something that is more appropriate.  I wish I could get you what you've earned.  But honestly, I have no idea what that is and even if I did I couldn't afford it.  Maybe we can just call it even when you get to go to nursery in a few weeks and play with other kids and not get shots every day.  It doesn't come close to what you've earned but it's the best I can do right now.

Love,
Mommy

Big Brave Mommy

*Dramatization of actual event*

I got my flu shot today.  HEB was doing them at the hospital.  It's something that's been on my list but I just haven't had time to do.  So today my mommy took me for my shot.  I'm really just getting it for Simon's sake this year.  I hate needles.  Have I ever mentioned that?  And it's been a couple of years since my last shot.  I joked that I wanted Child Life to come.  They're the awesome folks that come when Simon gets his IV put in.  They bring toys and are a great distraction for him.  I took a deep breath and told myself I can do this.  I thought about how many times Simon's been poked in the past 6 months.  It's far too many for me to count.  It didn't hurt too bad.  But I hope he appreciates what I've done for him.  I don't get a shot for just anyone.

A Year Ago

He was such a cute monkey.  I can't believe how he's growing up.

My Monkey

Scary Stuff

Bumps and bruises all up his forehead.

So, Simon was in the hospital last week, again.  Another fever.  Seems he's been in the hospital way more than he's been home the last month and a half.  I think I'd get depressed if I tried to really figure it out.  Anyway, it's really starting to get the better of him, his dad, and me.  But I feel the worst for Simon.  He's beyond frustrated and bored and angry.  I don't blame him one bit.  He's developed a nasty habit for banging his head when he's upset.  He does it in the shopping cart.  He does it in the bath.  He does it in the living room.  And now he's really started doing it in the hospital.  You know that alien from Star Trek in the 90's that had the ridges all up his forehead?  That's what Simon started to look like because he'd just smack his head on the crib all day.  I told everyone that came in.  No one cared in the least except one nurse who said something about his platelets.  He's taken to screaming when nurses come in.  He freaks out if they come near him. 

Sunday night was awful.  He screamed bloody murder.  He arched his back.  He fought with everything in him and could only now and then be comforted by me.  I demanded to see a doctor since I am almost never around when they stop by in the morning.  Blaine and I had had enough of watching our dear boy descend deeper and deeper into his own personal hell.  We got that his white counts were non-existent.  But there comes a time when being in the hospital does more harm than good.  We had definitely reached that point.  I don't think I'd ever met the doctor before.  I was almost hysterical myself.  My boy was hurting himself and no one cared.  No one even bothered to look at him.  This doctor was no different.  "His ANC (white cells) are still zero so he has no way to fight off infection... blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. and so on."  I don't care!  My boy can not take another day in this place.  And neither could the husband or I. 

I left that morning enraged.  I did have a chance to check with the nurse who said his ANC was 10.  But I still had no assurance he'd be able to leave.  It was Halloween.  We had so been looking forward to Trunk or Treat at church which we missed.  And now I had to tell my husband to make sure he took Simon trick or treating at the hospital.  That may well have been his only chance.  It hurt more than I can say to have to leave for work and miss his whole Halloween.  When I got to work our social worker called.  I unloaded on her.  Long story short, I'm not thrilled with a lot of the people at TCH.  The good news is they let Blaine take him home if he promised we'd bring him back if he got a fever again. 

I swore I was leaving work at 6:00.  That didn't work out.  I hurried home and picked up Blaine and Simon and we rushed to Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt's house before Simon got really grumpy.  He was so adorable in his Charlie Brown tshirt.  He had a ghost bag for all his candy.  I can't believe how grown up he seems.  I just love these pictures of him and Blaine outside at the grandparent's house.

Simon, candy is this way.

Trick or Treat!

Mommy and Simon.

The best family portrait we could manage.

Yummy blueberries to go with the candy.

Giving candy to strangers.  This doesn't seem right.

Enough

I have heard Simon scream in terror enough...
I have seen him get poked with needles enough...
I have seen tears enough...
I have watched him bang his head in frustration enough...
I have heard him gurgle and choke on medicine enough...
I have seen him look at me with pleading eyes enough...

Enough to last me a lifetime.

Baby Simon couldn't give kisses.

I was rocking Simon to sleep tonight and getting all weepy because my little baby is getting so big.  Then I thought of something.  I asked Simon for a kiss and he gave me one.  I thought to myself,  "Baby Simon couldn't give kisses."  I try really hard to enjoy each stage and think I've done a fairly good job of it so far.  I just need to remind myself sometimes.  But there will always be a part of me that misses this little guy.

At least he's perfected the scream.

I know kids scream and throw temper tantrums.  But Simon seems to be an extra big fan of screaming.  It's actually kind of upsetting.  Tonight he screamed bloody murder the whole time I was trying to give him a bath.  Usually he loves looking at himself in the mirror, I'm sorry to say.  But tonight he wouldn't have it.  I gave him the shortest bath ever.  He was also screaming a fair bit at Target tonight.  Seriously, I hope the neighbors don't think I beat my dear boy.  I'm a little paranoid about that. 

On the upside he did eat pretty well.  We had cheese pizza and he seemed to dig it.  He eats it like his Mommy would if she were a kid again, eating the cheese and sauce.

Shel

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

I love this poem by Shel Silverstein.  It's my hope for Simon, that he really knows and believes it.  I tried reading it to him once and could barely get through it without crying.

Y U NO

The Great Outdoors

Speaking of what Simon should be doing, I gotta say I'm pretty pleased that he loves the outdoors.  He gets so excited to just be walking in grass.   It's a shame we don't have even a little patch of yard for him.  The other day we were at Grandma L's house and we went outside for a spell.  I got a few pictures but they don't do him justice.  He exudes pure joy when we're at the park.  I'm glad the weather should be more cooperative soon so we can take him more often.  He's started pointing and gesturing to go outside and I'm more than happy to oblige if I feel like hosing him down afterward.

On our patio the day before the hospital.

At the park in a state of pure bliss.

Crazy

If you had told me a year ago, six months ago that I'd be praying for Simon to be in the hospital I would have called you crazy.  But that's how the past week was.  His counts were down last week so there was no chemo.  This week there is, thankfully.  I came to the hospital after work and Daddy left.  I made a baba and cuddled my boy.  It was really nice and relaxing after a very busy "day" at work.  I watched a thunderstorm roll in and listened to the CARE channel and just enjoyed holding him.  They are just about to start his chemo. It's not fair that he should be subjected to that.  But it also isn't up to me.  This is what he should be doing instead.

Missing

I brought this picture to work with me yesterday for a frame.  It's one of his 1 year photos.  I bought a groupon for one of those cheesy mall photographers before this nonsense all happened.  I figured, it's only $18 so if the pictures are terrible, so be it.  Time passed and it was due to expire the end of June.  I really thought I wouldn't have time to use it.  Then a couple of days before it expired I decided to heck with it.  So what if I didn't have the perfect cute outfit.  So what if his hair needed a trim.  So what if he's covered in bug bites.  So what.  I paid for the thing, I'm gonna use it.  So I dressed him up in a cute outfit we already had and that was a fight.  I dragged him to the mall where everyone else who bought the deal was trying to use it so we had a wait.  He wasn't feeling it at first.  You can see he still had a bit of a tear in his eye.  But he got into it and I got some awesome pictures.  It was the very next day that his hair started falling out by the handful.  Even while we were there waiting for our prints I could tell I couldn't have waited one more day. 

When I knew his hair would come out I started really appreciating what he had.  I loved running my fingers through it and playing with it.  Sometimes I rub my hand over his head and peach fuzz and tell myself it will come back.  In the past week or two I've really noticed he's lost almost all of his eyelashes.  He's also lost a fair amount of eyebrows.  It makes him look like a cancer patient.  So today I couldn't keep my eyes off this picture.  It doesn't really do his eyelashes justice, but it does remind me what he once looked like and what he'll look like again.   I love my boy no matter how he looks.  I just wish he didn't look so sick.  I wish he looked like a normal boy.  I wish he had the life of a normal boy, whatever that is.

Tomorrow we have to go for his inpatient chemo.  The outpatient chemos are all done.  Counting this one we just have 4 more.  Then more tests.  And then one more and hopefully last surgery to remove his port.  The day we get out of the hospital from that will be a joyous day, indeed. 

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

It was pointed out to me that this is in September.  I was watching all sorts of heartbreaking slideshows on YouTube about it for some unknown reason.  Kids shouldn't have to go through this.  But it makes me ever so grateful that everything points to Simon being just fine.  And that's a great thing.  The best thing.  Because I can't imagine going a day without a hug and a kiss and hearing his dinosaur noises.

Someday

Someday...

my little baby will go to school.
he'll be a big boy... too big to cuddle.
he'll race his car in the Pinewood Derby.
he'll curse at long division.
we'll help him build a science fair exhibit.
my sweet little angel will go to his first dance and meet some floozy and not need his Mommy anymore.
that floozy will break his heart.
he'll meet someone he says is The One, but she won't be.
I'll get letters from Elder Leavitt in Boise. 
he'll really meet The One and I'll have to remind myself I'm not losing a son but gaining a daughter.
I'll be a mother-in-law.
I'll be a grandma.
I'll look back on it all with tears in my eyes because my sweet little boy is a grown ass man.
he'll put a flower on my casket as it's lowered in the ground.

...or at least I can hope.

A fine evening

I had a very good afternoon and evening with Simon.  We went to pick up the new Leslie Patricelli book that came out today but couldn't find it.  Instead we got this:

Then we wandered around some more and made our way to the music and DVD's.  I explained to Simon that in the olden days people would go to "stores" to "buy" music.  Man, I remember the joys of working at B&N in the music department with their huge selection.  Even if prices were higher than just about anywhere else it was worth being able to find just about anything a person like myself would want.  Not so anymore.  They have maybe a third of what they had back then.  I found an album that had a pretty cover so I scanned it to listen.  Then I put the headphones on Simon (just for a few seconds because yes, I know it's not great for his little ears) and he did his shoulder thing.  He loved it and hollered when I'd take them off.

So we went to the 3 kids CD's they had and listened to a couple.  Simon liked them all but this was Mommy's favorite.  We ended up with this:

And I hung an actual piece of artwork!  That required measuring!  And two nails!  I'm so proud of myself.  I loathe having to measure to hang photos & art so I kinda never do it.  The walls are bare of most everything.  But we have a good wall where I want to hang some nice family pictures and the Family Proclamation my in-laws gave us for Christmas.

I made a real grown up dinner.  Out of whole foods.  Simon had grilled chicken, grapes, and cheese.  I had this huge salad and some whole wheat toast.  I dined on this while we listened to the music:

After that it was bath and bed and Simon went to sleep without making a peep!  Can you believe it?  What's even more amazing is I did a bit of exercise. Nothing too crazy, just 15 minutes of Wii Sports.  But I did do boxing which counts for something.  Seriously, I've got to lose me some serious weight.  I got my Simon shirt in the mail and it looked huge until I tried it on.  Am I really that big?  This hospital life is not doing my body any favors.

Then I sat down at the computer and started blogging where I wrote about everything I did this evening and uploaded some unnecessary pictures.  And finally I quit beating a dead horse and ended the post.

No, you don't know.

Yesterday I was having a really hard time with this whole hospital thing.  Blaine and I are both kind of at the ends of our ropes.  I feel so much pressure in every area of my life right now.  And a lot of things are making me really mad and frustrating me.  This is a short list.

• No, you don't know what I'm going through, nurse.  I know you're just doing your job, but please don't pretend you "know how hard this is."  Your job is to be at the hospital.  Mine is not.  I have work piling up while I'm there.  I have a filthy home I haven't had a chance to clean.  I left a pile of soaking dishes in the sink which is now moldy because I had to rush my boy to the emergency room.  I have to juggle my schedule with that of my husband's.  We have bosses to appease.  We haven't had a decent night's sleep since we got there.  We've been subsisting on scraps from Simon's tray and horribly unhealthy junk when our family isn't taking two hours out of their day to make sure we are fed. 
• No, you don't know how hard it is for Simon, nurse.  Think about it.  He's a one year old boy who as far as he can tell is perfectly fine.  He gets held down by 3 and 4 people at a time and poked in his chest or hand or foot.  His poor bottom is beet red.  He's not allowed to play on the floor.  And he understands none of this.  He can't possibly understand this is for his own good.  Do not condescend to tell him life is so rough for him.
• I do not care if you have snow cones, a juggler, musicians, books, or are having a skeet shooting contest.  Please do not bang on the door, open it, and shout in some horribly inappropriate activity for the patient who is obviously too young to join your little parachuting expedition. 

Maybe I'm a decent mom on occasion

Me and my handsome balding boy.

I had a really good night with Simon while Daddy was at work.  We turned off the tv and got on the floor and played.  We didn't run errands.  We just played.  He took a ton of steps and I'd almost call him a walker.  But not quite, in as much as he is still crawling and falling down a fair bit.  But it was awesome to see.  Then we had dinner.  I actually "cooked".  We had mac & cheese.  He actually ate more fruit and veggies than mac & cheese.  He was eating lettuce.  LETTUCE, I tell you!  And carrots!  And grapes!  And red cabbage!  It was amazing.  We read several books.  I gave him a bath.  He sort of let me brush his teeth.  I rocked him and nuzzled the back of his neck like I enjoy doing so much. 

Then I had to put him in bed.  Since we got home from the hospital he's had a rough time getting to sleep.  He used to be fine going down and would play or amuse himself until he fell asleep.  Now, however, he screams as if he's pleading with every fiber of his being for me to stay.  He stands in his crib and hugs the tar out of me.  It kind of breaks my heart.  Tonight he was asleep before I could get out of his room and sit down at the computer though.  Sometimes I just wish I could snuggle him all night.  He's still my baby.

I take back what I said.

I'm doing my best to not feel like a bad mommy.  Two things I've been doing lately have been bothering me.  Tonight I did them both.  The first thing is I bought him a freaking laptop.  A toy one, of course, but it's still a computer in the loosest sense.  Before I had Simon, and even after up until this past month, I really had an aversion to battery-operated toys.  He had a few but they weren't the kinds with flashing lights and songs and that horrible VTech voice.  If you have little ones you probably know the voice.  They also have these God-awful motion sensor displays in the store that say WELCOME! before going into their song and dance every time you pass them. 

The reason for the laptop is twofold.  First, he loves "computing".  He tries to use ours every time we have it out.  That alone is not nearly enough reason to get him his own.  But I was handling reason number 2 and it just made it so easy.  That reason is we really need some hospital only toys to keep his interest.  Because we're going back tomorrow for a week I was taking one last look around.  He can't get on the floor.  He's more or less confined to the crib there so I need something reasonably small and something he won't get bored with.  Everything seems like it either is too big, too juvenile, has too many parts, is pretty much the same thing we already have, or just doesn't look that exciting.

The second thing I do that really bothers me is I let him watch more TV than I'd like.  Nights like tonight I'm so exhausted by the time we sit down to eat, and so is he, that I just need something to keep him happy.  It's pretty much always Yo Gabba Gabba.  He freaking loves that show.  Sometimes I really need him to focus on something instead of getting into everything when I'm trying to get dinner or laundry or dishes.  So I turn on the Gabba.  Sometimes I tell myself it's really not so bad, that at least it's a DVD or Netflix so he's not seeing all those horrible kids commercials.  But it's still not good. 

The last month has really taken a toll on my resilience.  I'm managing okay, but I really feel like I'm letting Simon down.  And I feel like I'm letting myself down.  Yes, I'm doing a lot for him right now, but that doesn't totally excuse me not living up to the standards I set for myself and my son.

The Ravages of Cancer

My boy went from looking like this on Tuesday:

to looking like this on Wednesday:

But he's still the handsomest boy I know.  Tonight after his bottle I cuddled with him on the couch.  It was all kinds of awesome.  I so did not want to put him in bed.  I have a hard time believing he's the same boy I birthed a little over a year ago.

CarePages

I've started a CarePage for Simon and am doing updates there.  You can find it at

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/TeamSimon.  I don't have the time to do both that and this blog so for the time being that's where I'll be writing. 

Simon is the boss of cancer.

My boy has cancer.  They think it's a Wilms tumor.  He's having surgery tomorrow.  Everything is happening so fast.  I know he's going to be fine but it's going to be a rough road ahead.  Prayers are appreciated.  I'd write more but it's hard here at the hospital with this little computer.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by the offers for help and all the prayers.  He certainly is one loved little boy.

One Year Old

Simon turned ONE!  I can hardly believe the little man he's become.  My parents came down to spend his birthday with him.  It's always such a joy and a treat to have them here.  I love seeing them both get so excited about being with him.  Being grandparents really suits them.

They got here the night before, just in time to help the husband put together the bike.  It was a nice little rite of passage.  In the morning we did presents, saving the bike for last.  We had a balloon tied to it and frankly, he was way more excited about the balloon.  But that's okay.  He got a pull toy doggie and car puzzle from Grandma and Grandpa and a couple of books and drum from us.


Then we went to the zoo.  He had a hard time seeing the animals.  We stopped for lunch and carried on to the petting zoo, after which he promptly fell asleep.  I was the mean mommy and woke him up when we got to the playground at the park.  We went on the swings and then the train and headed home.

Dinner plans were scratched.  I wanted to go out for Italian, but Simon was cranky and would not take a nap.  He finally went to sleep and we opted for ordering pizza because it was getting late.  Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt came over for cake and ice cream and photos.  It was a grand time for all.

Mommy's Giggles

I have a real problem.  I laugh way too easily.  It's not normally a problem, but when I'm trying to tell Simon "No" to him dropping food on the floor I need to do it with some amount of gravity (pun intended).  It happened again this morning.  He dropped one piece of pita on the floor.  Then another.  Then a raisin.  I tell him, "You don't have to eat all of this but we do NOT throw food on the floor."  He drops another raisin.  "No, Simon."  I block his arm so he can't get it past his tray.  "We don't drop food."  I think, "That boy don't listen for nothing."  I crack a smile at his defiance and spirit.  And then I start to giggle which turns this into a real fun game and I watch my dear boy give me a look that says, "Look what I'm gonna do!" and he again drops bit after bit of food on the floor while I cover my face trying to keep him from seeing me laugh.  This kind of thing also seems to happen at church too.  I try not to get the giggles as he yells "BA BA BA!" at the top of his lungs but I'm a total failure.  God, please don't let me end up with a brat.  If I do it's all my fault.  I'm so sorry, boy.

Oddball

Simon is really odd.  I'd go so far as to say damned odd.  He sits in his highchair and rants and raves like a mad man.  Much of the time it's when he's really tired.  He gets so excited and has so much gusto for life.  I hope he never loses that.  He's either very very happy or mad as hell.  You always know exactly how he feels.  

Typical Simon face during dinner, complete with chocolate cookie.

Saturday Adventures

Simon and I had another busy Saturday.  We wandered around Babies R Us and got the car washed in the morning to give Daddy some Daddy Time.  Then after some lunch we went out to do some more shopping.  But first we had to stop by Mommy's work to get a phone charger.  Someone suggested going to the playground at Memorial Park so that's just what we did.  Took some driving around to find it but once we did we hit the jackpot...

 

Baby Swings!!!

Oh, the fun we had.  He seemed to really enjoy it, even crinkling up his nose when he smiled which is his new thing.

Then we tackled the real reason for our outing (besides getting him to sleep in the car).  We bought party supplies for a certain party we may be having two weeks from today.  I hate to spoil the theme, but let's just say you may "go bananas" over it.  I am so looking forward to his birthday.  His presents have all arrived and it's very hard to not give them to him now.  But first is Easter.  Tonight we put out the Easter basket and I tried to explain the Easter Bunny to him.  I'm sure he doesn't understand, especially since I don't understand and I'm 38 times older than him.  I mean really, a bunny brings eggs?  I don't get that.  But whatevs.  I don't gotta understand.  I just gotta eats the chocolate.

 

Childbirth Documentaries

I've watched a few since I had Simon.  Bad idea.  They bring up all the horrible things I did to him in the days before he was born.  Sadly, I was too weak to deal with the pain so there were drugs.  But then the pain was made worse by the fact that I had to be induced.  Or did I?  And as I read and see tales of the euphoria of mothers natural-birthing their children I feel absolutely cheated.  For medical reasons Simon had to be torn from me the instant he was born and whisked away to have his lungs and stomach suctioned out.  The first time I really saw him he was all clean and neat and wrapped up tidy.  As I looked at him I thought to myself, "I guess this is my son."  It was all to clinical and sterile and I didn't feel the bonding I thought I would. 

The bonding came afterward in late nights filled with tears and frustration as I tried to nurse.  I can't imagine loving him more.  But when I think of his birth it isn't what I had hoped.  I really need to stop watching that stuff.

Daddy loves his boy.

One of the sweetest things is when I come out of Simon's room after putting him to bed and I see Daddy looking at pictures of his boy.  He does that quite frequently, along with watching videos.  He loves his boy and misses him even if he's just seen him.

The Tree Museum

Simon and I took our first trip to the tree museum today.  They were celebrating Earth Day (early I guess) and even though I knew their activities would be too old for him I felt the need to go.  We hiked the outer loop trail which is no joke, especially with a 20 pound kid strapped to you in a Moby in the Houston humidity when you're roughly as in shape as Rush Limbaugh.  We stopped and read the signs explaining this and that.  We saw some chick actually hug a tree. 

They also apparently had bussed in the backwood Conroe folk.  It was hard to find a quiet place to sit by the pond without having to hear one of their chillins talk about how "Mama said she was gonna catch a turtle!  Let's fetch her and tell her we found some!"  But we did find a big empty deck where I let Simon free to explore.  He picked at the nature stuck between the boards and thought it was great fun to crawl down the slight incline.  He got good and dirty, just like a proper boy should.  We stopped by the watermelon stand they had set up and had us a slice. 

On the way home I had to get something to drink so I stopped by Chik-fil-a for a lemonade (yum!) and got a sandwich that dribbled tomato juice all down the front of my shirt.  We then went to HEB for a few groceries and I decided we looked like backwood Conroe folk.  Luckily we only ran into one person I knew. 

It was a good day and Simon was a good sport about the whole thing. 

Another trip to the Doctor

Gratuitous Simon Photo

Simon went to the doctor again.  He's 20 pounds and change.  Turns out he has an ear infection and a lung issue so we get to break out the breathing mask again.  Joy.  But at least we didn't look foolish taking a nearly perfectly healthy boy to the doctor. 

So sick

Today was Mommy/Simon day as Saturdays almost always are.  This one wasn't so exciting.  Simon is so sick.  He's been sick with the sniffles before but never really acted sick.  This time is different.  He took two 2-hour naps snuggling with me.  The first one was while we were watching The Looney Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie.  Looney Tunes don't get the respect they deserve any more, but I digress.  Every time he woke up he started crying and whining like he kinda forgot he was sick and it was all coming back as he grew conscious.  It was so sad.  But then he'd come to and almost be his normal self for a while.  He didn't like the high chair so much.  And his voice sounds very hoarse.  And you can tell his cough hurts like hell.  I called the doctor and she said if he gets bad to take him to the ER and they might have us do the breathing treatments.  Boo.  But for now he seems almost his normal self for the most part so I think he's going to survive.

At the end of his second nap I started playing with a new app for my phone camera.  This is the polaroid.  I really kind of like this picture.  He looks so peaceful.  After this we stepped out on the patio for a few minutes of fresh air.  Now I think he's gone to sleep.  Here's hoping he sleeps as well as he did last night.

Tears

I miss this face all day long.

 I don't write on here like I should.  I really need to make more of an effort to capture these early months and years because they will go by so quickly.


Tonight was one of those nights when I'm swaying with Simon in my arms and singing to him except my voice keeps cracking and giving way because I'm crying.  I cry because I want to hold him forever.  I cry because I feel like I'm not around enough for him.  I cry because he's growing so fast and the days when I can rock him to sleep are numbered. 


But as he grows I get to experience new and awesome things.  I cannot wait to hear him tell me the thoughts in his head, his hopes, his dreams.  I cannot wait to hear him say, "I love you, Mommy."  But I can.  I must not and will not wish these days away. 

I'm 10 Months Old!

Daddy had one of his rare Saturdays off today so we celebrated Simon's 10 month birthday by going to The Childrens' Museum.  We went to play in their 2 & under area.  Boy, was Simon ever over-stimulated when we got there.  He had no idea what to make of it.  We tried different things but the only thing he wanted to do was chew on all the toys.  Then we found a quiet area that seemed to be made for the younger kids that was pretty quiet.  He made a few friends there (including a girl!) and decided maybe it was a fun place to be.  It would be even more fun if he could walk, but for now we did what we could.  I got one picture with the real camera when the batteries died.  Thank goodness for cell phone cameras.

After playing there we went to Chipotle for lunch.  :)  Simon tried black beans and pretty much couldn't eat enough of them.  They were a big hit.  Then this evening we went to Toys R Us and got a few birthday presents.  It's nice to be able to shop for him like that even when he's with us.  Speaking of birthdays, I really should start thinking about his party.  I gots two months to whip up something grand.

A fella could get used to this place.

More beans, please!

Playin with Daddy.

Lunch with Mommy

My home away from home.

Today my fellas came to take me out to lunch.  About 30 seconds before the arrived I got off the phone with my boss giving me a sizable project that seemed to have some urgency.  So it was a quick lunch and not terribly relaxing, but it was still a pleasant treat.  I briefly got to show Simon where I spend my day.  We went to Five Guys where Mommy and Daddy had burgers and Simon had yogurt melts.  I ended up bringing half my burger back to the office in my purse.  This outing was intended in my mind to make up for us not being able to do it for Valentine's Day.  Maybe the third time's the charm.

Dear Simon...

Dear Simon,

I know you're far to young to understand what Mommy is telling you.  But someday you will look back in awe at a time before you remember... a time when you were strongly encouraged to eat more, to sleep more.  I understand you're at least as stubborn as your parents. But someday you'll gain weight just by looking at food.  Someday I'll be dragging you out of bed at 4:00 (instead of the other way around) for seminary.  Someday you'll beg and plead to be allowed to sleep for just 5 more minutes.  Oh, how I wish I could impart this knowledge in you so that when I try to feed you something besides raisins or get you back to sleep at 3:00 am you'd cooperate.  But alas...

On the other hand, if you're so not hungry and so not tired, how about you diet and get up and go to work for Mommy.  I'll be more than happy to sleep 12 hours a day, waking only to eat and watch Yo Gabba Gabba.  Deal?

Love,
Mom

Picture Time

Today I decided it's been far too long since I sat Simon down and took a bunch of pictures of him.  I haven't really done that since he was 5 or 6 months old.  Today reminded me why most all of the pictures of him are in his high chair or stroller or when he's asleep.  It's not that he's always strapped down.  If he's not, I end up with shots like these keepers:

Okay, part of it is the bad camera.  It has quite a shutter delay.  The other reason is that the boy don't sit still.  Again, God bless him.  He's a joy and a delight and I love him beyond words, but for cryin out loud... 

I did get a couple of decent-ish pictures.  I'm not real thrilled, but then again I'm not the greatest photographer and I'm working on a not the greatest camera.  Anyway, enjoy these, such as they are. And yes, he insisted on wearing the shirt.  I had nothing to do with it.