Someday

Someday...

my little baby will go to school.
he'll be a big boy... too big to cuddle.
he'll race his car in the Pinewood Derby.
he'll curse at long division.
we'll help him build a science fair exhibit.
my sweet little angel will go to his first dance and meet some floozy and not need his Mommy anymore.
that floozy will break his heart.
he'll meet someone he says is The One, but she won't be.
I'll get letters from Elder Leavitt in Boise. 
he'll really meet The One and I'll have to remind myself I'm not losing a son but gaining a daughter.
I'll be a mother-in-law.
I'll be a grandma.
I'll look back on it all with tears in my eyes because my sweet little boy is a grown ass man.
he'll put a flower on my casket as it's lowered in the ground.

...or at least I can hope.

A fine evening

I had a very good afternoon and evening with Simon.  We went to pick up the new Leslie Patricelli book that came out today but couldn't find it.  Instead we got this:

Then we wandered around some more and made our way to the music and DVD's.  I explained to Simon that in the olden days people would go to "stores" to "buy" music.  Man, I remember the joys of working at B&N in the music department with their huge selection.  Even if prices were higher than just about anywhere else it was worth being able to find just about anything a person like myself would want.  Not so anymore.  They have maybe a third of what they had back then.  I found an album that had a pretty cover so I scanned it to listen.  Then I put the headphones on Simon (just for a few seconds because yes, I know it's not great for his little ears) and he did his shoulder thing.  He loved it and hollered when I'd take them off.

So we went to the 3 kids CD's they had and listened to a couple.  Simon liked them all but this was Mommy's favorite.  We ended up with this:

And I hung an actual piece of artwork!  That required measuring!  And two nails!  I'm so proud of myself.  I loathe having to measure to hang photos & art so I kinda never do it.  The walls are bare of most everything.  But we have a good wall where I want to hang some nice family pictures and the Family Proclamation my in-laws gave us for Christmas.

I made a real grown up dinner.  Out of whole foods.  Simon had grilled chicken, grapes, and cheese.  I had this huge salad and some whole wheat toast.  I dined on this while we listened to the music:

After that it was bath and bed and Simon went to sleep without making a peep!  Can you believe it?  What's even more amazing is I did a bit of exercise. Nothing too crazy, just 15 minutes of Wii Sports.  But I did do boxing which counts for something.  Seriously, I've got to lose me some serious weight.  I got my Simon shirt in the mail and it looked huge until I tried it on.  Am I really that big?  This hospital life is not doing my body any favors.

Then I sat down at the computer and started blogging where I wrote about everything I did this evening and uploaded some unnecessary pictures.  And finally I quit beating a dead horse and ended the post.

No, you don't know.

Yesterday I was having a really hard time with this whole hospital thing.  Blaine and I are both kind of at the ends of our ropes.  I feel so much pressure in every area of my life right now.  And a lot of things are making me really mad and frustrating me.  This is a short list.

• No, you don't know what I'm going through, nurse.  I know you're just doing your job, but please don't pretend you "know how hard this is."  Your job is to be at the hospital.  Mine is not.  I have work piling up while I'm there.  I have a filthy home I haven't had a chance to clean.  I left a pile of soaking dishes in the sink which is now moldy because I had to rush my boy to the emergency room.  I have to juggle my schedule with that of my husband's.  We have bosses to appease.  We haven't had a decent night's sleep since we got there.  We've been subsisting on scraps from Simon's tray and horribly unhealthy junk when our family isn't taking two hours out of their day to make sure we are fed. 
• No, you don't know how hard it is for Simon, nurse.  Think about it.  He's a one year old boy who as far as he can tell is perfectly fine.  He gets held down by 3 and 4 people at a time and poked in his chest or hand or foot.  His poor bottom is beet red.  He's not allowed to play on the floor.  And he understands none of this.  He can't possibly understand this is for his own good.  Do not condescend to tell him life is so rough for him.
• I do not care if you have snow cones, a juggler, musicians, books, or are having a skeet shooting contest.  Please do not bang on the door, open it, and shout in some horribly inappropriate activity for the patient who is obviously too young to join your little parachuting expedition. 

Maybe I'm a decent mom on occasion

Me and my handsome balding boy.

I had a really good night with Simon while Daddy was at work.  We turned off the tv and got on the floor and played.  We didn't run errands.  We just played.  He took a ton of steps and I'd almost call him a walker.  But not quite, in as much as he is still crawling and falling down a fair bit.  But it was awesome to see.  Then we had dinner.  I actually "cooked".  We had mac & cheese.  He actually ate more fruit and veggies than mac & cheese.  He was eating lettuce.  LETTUCE, I tell you!  And carrots!  And grapes!  And red cabbage!  It was amazing.  We read several books.  I gave him a bath.  He sort of let me brush his teeth.  I rocked him and nuzzled the back of his neck like I enjoy doing so much. 

Then I had to put him in bed.  Since we got home from the hospital he's had a rough time getting to sleep.  He used to be fine going down and would play or amuse himself until he fell asleep.  Now, however, he screams as if he's pleading with every fiber of his being for me to stay.  He stands in his crib and hugs the tar out of me.  It kind of breaks my heart.  Tonight he was asleep before I could get out of his room and sit down at the computer though.  Sometimes I just wish I could snuggle him all night.  He's still my baby.

I take back what I said.

I'm doing my best to not feel like a bad mommy.  Two things I've been doing lately have been bothering me.  Tonight I did them both.  The first thing is I bought him a freaking laptop.  A toy one, of course, but it's still a computer in the loosest sense.  Before I had Simon, and even after up until this past month, I really had an aversion to battery-operated toys.  He had a few but they weren't the kinds with flashing lights and songs and that horrible VTech voice.  If you have little ones you probably know the voice.  They also have these God-awful motion sensor displays in the store that say WELCOME! before going into their song and dance every time you pass them. 

The reason for the laptop is twofold.  First, he loves "computing".  He tries to use ours every time we have it out.  That alone is not nearly enough reason to get him his own.  But I was handling reason number 2 and it just made it so easy.  That reason is we really need some hospital only toys to keep his interest.  Because we're going back tomorrow for a week I was taking one last look around.  He can't get on the floor.  He's more or less confined to the crib there so I need something reasonably small and something he won't get bored with.  Everything seems like it either is too big, too juvenile, has too many parts, is pretty much the same thing we already have, or just doesn't look that exciting.

The second thing I do that really bothers me is I let him watch more TV than I'd like.  Nights like tonight I'm so exhausted by the time we sit down to eat, and so is he, that I just need something to keep him happy.  It's pretty much always Yo Gabba Gabba.  He freaking loves that show.  Sometimes I really need him to focus on something instead of getting into everything when I'm trying to get dinner or laundry or dishes.  So I turn on the Gabba.  Sometimes I tell myself it's really not so bad, that at least it's a DVD or Netflix so he's not seeing all those horrible kids commercials.  But it's still not good. 

The last month has really taken a toll on my resilience.  I'm managing okay, but I really feel like I'm letting Simon down.  And I feel like I'm letting myself down.  Yes, I'm doing a lot for him right now, but that doesn't totally excuse me not living up to the standards I set for myself and my son.

The Ravages of Cancer

My boy went from looking like this on Tuesday:

to looking like this on Wednesday:

But he's still the handsomest boy I know.  Tonight after his bottle I cuddled with him on the couch.  It was all kinds of awesome.  I so did not want to put him in bed.  I have a hard time believing he's the same boy I birthed a little over a year ago.

CarePages

I've started a CarePage for Simon and am doing updates there.  You can find it at

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/TeamSimon.  I don't have the time to do both that and this blog so for the time being that's where I'll be writing.