The Great Outdoors

Speaking of what Simon should be doing, I gotta say I'm pretty pleased that he loves the outdoors.  He gets so excited to just be walking in grass.   It's a shame we don't have even a little patch of yard for him.  The other day we were at Grandma L's house and we went outside for a spell.  I got a few pictures but they don't do him justice.  He exudes pure joy when we're at the park.  I'm glad the weather should be more cooperative soon so we can take him more often.  He's started pointing and gesturing to go outside and I'm more than happy to oblige if I feel like hosing him down afterward.

On our patio the day before the hospital.

At the park in a state of pure bliss.

Crazy

If you had told me a year ago, six months ago that I'd be praying for Simon to be in the hospital I would have called you crazy.  But that's how the past week was.  His counts were down last week so there was no chemo.  This week there is, thankfully.  I came to the hospital after work and Daddy left.  I made a baba and cuddled my boy.  It was really nice and relaxing after a very busy "day" at work.  I watched a thunderstorm roll in and listened to the CARE channel and just enjoyed holding him.  They are just about to start his chemo. It's not fair that he should be subjected to that.  But it also isn't up to me.  This is what he should be doing instead.

Missing

I brought this picture to work with me yesterday for a frame.  It's one of his 1 year photos.  I bought a groupon for one of those cheesy mall photographers before this nonsense all happened.  I figured, it's only $18 so if the pictures are terrible, so be it.  Time passed and it was due to expire the end of June.  I really thought I wouldn't have time to use it.  Then a couple of days before it expired I decided to heck with it.  So what if I didn't have the perfect cute outfit.  So what if his hair needed a trim.  So what if he's covered in bug bites.  So what.  I paid for the thing, I'm gonna use it.  So I dressed him up in a cute outfit we already had and that was a fight.  I dragged him to the mall where everyone else who bought the deal was trying to use it so we had a wait.  He wasn't feeling it at first.  You can see he still had a bit of a tear in his eye.  But he got into it and I got some awesome pictures.  It was the very next day that his hair started falling out by the handful.  Even while we were there waiting for our prints I could tell I couldn't have waited one more day. 

When I knew his hair would come out I started really appreciating what he had.  I loved running my fingers through it and playing with it.  Sometimes I rub my hand over his head and peach fuzz and tell myself it will come back.  In the past week or two I've really noticed he's lost almost all of his eyelashes.  He's also lost a fair amount of eyebrows.  It makes him look like a cancer patient.  So today I couldn't keep my eyes off this picture.  It doesn't really do his eyelashes justice, but it does remind me what he once looked like and what he'll look like again.   I love my boy no matter how he looks.  I just wish he didn't look so sick.  I wish he looked like a normal boy.  I wish he had the life of a normal boy, whatever that is.

Tomorrow we have to go for his inpatient chemo.  The outpatient chemos are all done.  Counting this one we just have 4 more.  Then more tests.  And then one more and hopefully last surgery to remove his port.  The day we get out of the hospital from that will be a joyous day, indeed. 

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

It was pointed out to me that this is in September.  I was watching all sorts of heartbreaking slideshows on YouTube about it for some unknown reason.  Kids shouldn't have to go through this.  But it makes me ever so grateful that everything points to Simon being just fine.  And that's a great thing.  The best thing.  Because I can't imagine going a day without a hug and a kiss and hearing his dinosaur noises.

Someday

Someday...

my little baby will go to school.
he'll be a big boy... too big to cuddle.
he'll race his car in the Pinewood Derby.
he'll curse at long division.
we'll help him build a science fair exhibit.
my sweet little angel will go to his first dance and meet some floozy and not need his Mommy anymore.
that floozy will break his heart.
he'll meet someone he says is The One, but she won't be.
I'll get letters from Elder Leavitt in Boise. 
he'll really meet The One and I'll have to remind myself I'm not losing a son but gaining a daughter.
I'll be a mother-in-law.
I'll be a grandma.
I'll look back on it all with tears in my eyes because my sweet little boy is a grown ass man.
he'll put a flower on my casket as it's lowered in the ground.

...or at least I can hope.